Pondering Fear to Love No. 4

On Christmas Eve, the darkness of the sanctuary and singing the familiar hymns like the First Noel and Joy to the World bring a palpable comfort.  No matter how old I get, or where I am in my life, leaving the sanctuary singing Silent Night while every person in the community holds a single glowing candle pulls me into the realness of God’s redeeming act.

There are things about this season of light that we want to remain consistent. In truth, we work hard to make them the same each year. It gives us the grounding and comfort that much of the world wants to tell us isn’t possible. We eat the same foods, and we gather at the same times in the same places with the same people.

We hear that Mary and Joseph traveled a far distance. We hear that the child was born, the angels announced the birth, and the shepherds came to see. Then we hear that Mary pondered all these things in her heart. We hear this story every year. It is part of all the combined rituals of worship on Christmas Eve that when brought together hit each of our senses and bring that comfort. This year though, as I went back and read my past posts from over a year ago a single word from the Nativity Story stood out for me.

But Mary treasured all these words and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2: 19

I was reminded of when I first learned to ponder my faith.

As a child, I never got the sense that it was okay to ponder. Questions were always answered by the authority with a clear “sin” or “not sin.” An act, behavior, or thought was always either “a” sin or not. I was either breaking the biblical law or I wasn’t. It never felt gray to me.

That created an equal amount of fear and comfort. There was comfort in being able to say, “I’m safe this time.” There was fear in the times I wasn’t “safe” or when I thought too much about not being safe the next time.

For the longest time, I never questioned the “authority,” until I did, and when I did, there was no going back.

No Going Back

The more my life branched out into other areas where people gathered like at work and in college, I started to hear people say things that were not in line with the authority of my congregation. There were other authorities on scripture and salvation? Which authority was right? My home congregation or my coworker’s congregation?

At first, there was this idea that perhaps some actions had been mislabeled. That did a number on my heart and my head. If the church authorities were wrong about some things, then how was I to be certain they were not wrong about all things.

And if I can’t be certain then it means I can’t be saved.

And being saved from the fires of hell was the goal, the reason for going to church and learning. I can’t follow the rules if I don’t know what the rules are or if they keep changing. I can’t follow the rules if they are different in different churches.

There are serious realities at stack here friends.

The fires of Hell FOREVER!

To ponder means to chew on, pore over, question, think about, study, ruminate…and it was a rule not to question the authority of the church, so as questions began to build in my mind, I found myself feeling guilty about pondering them. I felt fear about asking them. I searched for safe places to do that.

In my mind, there was a checklist with two columns: Sin and Not Sin. I wanted someone, the ultimate authority to confirm the list I had been given. But who is the ultimate authority?

New People in My Life

Around the time pondering became my new state of being, I learned that someone new in my life, who would be in my life for a long time, might be gay. In full transparency, I am not sure I understood what that meant – I was pretty sheltered and naïve, but I was starting to get a glimpse, and I was worried about this person. I had heard from my church circle that gay people were going to hell.

Being gay was clearly on the sin side of my list, but I didn’t like thinking that this new person I cared about would go to hell.

Talk about pondering

I decided to do some research. I asked two people that had been identified to me as pastors. Two people I had never spoken to before. They were both phone conversations to help set the stage for you.

I asked them both the same question. Are gay people going to hell? Remember this was 25 years ago…before social media.

The first person I asked was my boss’s husband. Remember the Fear to Love No. 2 Post on Revival – that boss. While that experience was unsettling it was still very real for me that I was trying to follow the rules. I was trying to be faithful. If this person was going to be in my life, then I needed to do what I needed to do to save him too. It was my responsibility, wasn’t it, if I cared about him?

There is so much to that Revival story I couldn’t fit in that single post, so for context in this one, at the start of that service, the revival preacher asked all the pastors in the congregation to stand. I don’t know about you, but my church had one pastor –identifiable by his robe. At this church, more than 10 men stood up, and her husband was one of them. Seems their little church had a seminary, which was the first time I learned that word.

Wow, a school to become a pastor, they must know.

I should also share that my boss, I will call her Rhonda because she will keep coming up, once told me her husband, I will call him Jimmy, was a hellraiser when they met. She had worked hard to save Jimmy but it hadn’t happened yet – he hadn’t said the words.

As they left their wedding and headed up the mountain to Gatlinburg for their honeymoon, he was still not yet saved. Rhonda said, “My daddy didn’t know that, or he wouldn’t have let me marry him. So, I told Jimmy that even though I married him, I would not have sex unless he was saved. He pulled over and we prayed right there. I was so proud that on the way to our honeymoon he asked Jesus to be his personal Lord and savior.”

A Pause to Ponder is Appropriate Here

So, back to the question at hand, is this new person in my life who might be gay going to hell? I expected a resounding “YES” answer from Jimmy. I got a voice through the phone of uncertainty. Rhonda’s voice was certain though. “Tell her about Romans and Corinthians!”

So, Jimmy did, sort of. He shared that in Romans 1: 26-27 and in 1 Corinthians 6:9 that Paul is saying that homosexuality is a sin. Jimmy didn’t go into any detail. That was the answer. Read those passages and Paul is saying homosexuality is a sin. Okay, so I have that on the correct side of my list, though it made me sad for the person I cared about.

Then, I thought of another person who was new in my life and to whom I had never spoken – Sean. He had graduated from seminary, and not a seminary in only his little church, but a seminary where people come from all over. A seminary where you had to go to college first and then take psychological evaluations and get approvals from a group of people to get in. Sean is a pastor. He was married to my new boyfriend’s cousin. I was asking him to confirm what Jimmy said so I could stop pondering.  I expected the call to be short.

He didn’t. It wasn’t.

Pastor Sean went into more historical detail. This was the first time I realized that considering the historical detail of scripture was a thing. It was the first time I realized that the scriptures were written in a different language and translated by humans into English.

He shared that Paul, in these passages, is writing about people, specifically men in power, taking advantage of someone in a lesser power role. To paraphrase, he shared that the Greek word arsenokotoi used in this passage was first translated as homosexual in 1946. It only appears a couple of times in the scriptures, and it isn’t explained by the writer. It does appear in other non-scripture places, and it is used to reference two specific acts in those cases. In Greek mythology, it is used to refer to gods (in power) taking advantage of humans (not in power). It is also used to talk about using women in temple prostitution, which is again about someone with power abusing someone without power. He reminded me that women were property in biblical times. Pastor Sean shared that Paul is writing about pedophilia, rape, and temple prostitution. Paul wasn’t writing about consensual relationships, healthy relationships between consenting adults.

As he spoke, I realized that the marriage relationship between my boss Rhonda and her new husband, Jimmy, may have been consenting, but it was also manipulated. She, at that moment, had the power. It occurred to me that perhaps I shouldn’t be listening to him/them. I wasn’t completely sold on Sean’s answer because again there was a lot at stake, but it felt more intelligent and researched than the other.

And so, I was set to pondering even more. I didn’t have fewer questions, now I had more.

There is much more to my pondering, but this is getting long, so I will save that for a future post I will call Pondering Part 2.  

A Note About Comments

I am completely open to your comments and ponderings. I invite healthy and caring conversations. This is a SAFE place, and I will work to keep it SAFE for ALL. I will not permit comments that have the potential to cause harm or trauma to another.

SCRIPTURE NOTE: Christmas Eve text from the Revised Common Lectionary Year C is Luke 2: 1-20